NOT NEEDING TO BE FIXED
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"Time will make things better...."
"How can we fix you"
"You need help"
"Give you the help you need"
"Help you get through this"
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The list goes on and in the last 18 months I've heard them all, as I'm sure many others have too
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What I find most strange in all of this, is the notion that I need 'fixing'
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Losing a loved one isn't something you can ever be fixed from, no magic wand can be waved so the loss and pain goes away but even if there was, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be at the front of the queue for that one
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People are complex, loss is complex and so to is grief
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Please, before you try and fix the unfixable, think of people as you would think of a smashed vase
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Yes, you can do an ok job trying to glue us back together and from a distance, through squinted eyes, it'll probably look ok, but come up close and you'll see that the pieces won't quiet fit as they once did, The shapes are changed, the edges will rub together, sharp in places, never quite sitting flat again and truth be told, they'll be bits missing, hundreds of tiny bits will be gone, bits you never even noticed were there before
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But I'm ok that, I'm ok with my vase being a bit broken. I'll always have Arthur shaped holes in my heart, just as there will always be holes in our lives, we live around the holes and make memories both for him and for us within those holes
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Yes I am broken, but not in a way that I want or need to be fixed from
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#babyloss #stillbirth #stillborn #miscarriage #babylossawareness #fixyou #broken #mybrokenpieces #lifearoundtheloss #AfterArthur #fromadistance #lifeafterloss #parentingafterloss #makingmemories #itsokaynottobeokay #bereavedmother #childloss #loss #somethingscantbefixed #brokenandstrong #poetsandwriters #instaquotes #quotesofinstagram #missingyou
THE EDGES ARE LESS JAGGED
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I often get asked about grief and if mine has changed over time. I often get asked if Charlotte's presence has changed my grief around Arthur's absence
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I often get comments that I am "coping so well" (whatever that actually means...)
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In the 18 months since Arthur died my grief has changed. But so to has my life, my family, my general attitude to things and my mental health
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Back in July 2017 if you had told me that I would feel differently in the future, I wouldn't have believed you. I was deep in those early days of thick fog like grief. I was sure then that I would never smile again, that the days would always be as hard as those initial days and weeks had been
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People talk of finding a new normal and although at the time, I wasn't totally sure what that entailed or even if I wanted to find it, I know now that it is true. You do find a way to live alongside the loss
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The pain never goes away, the loss will never leave, there will always be someone missing
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My heart will always have an Arthur shaped hole
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But time has a way of taking that initial raw jagged heart wrenching pain and replacing it with something slightly different
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With time for me came yet more love. I didn't think it was possible, but the days and months that followed brought both more love for Arthur and more love for both my girls, and yes, I did learn to smile again
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I often get contacted by people who are in the early days of loss, they mostly ask the same thing, will the pain ever feel easier? Will they ever smile again? I share with them what I wish I had truly believed back in those dark days of July 2017......
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"The hole in your heart will always remain, but in time the edges become less jagged"
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#babyloss #babylossawareness #babylosssupport #saytheirnames #togetherforchange #stillbirth #neonataldeath #stillborn #childloss #vilomah #wishyouwerehere #holeinmyheart #alwaysloved #forevermissed #missingpiece #lifeafterloss #parentingafterloss #AfterArthur #instaquotes #poetsandwriters #quotesofinstagram #missingyou
MOMENTS OF CLARITY
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Parenting is hard, parenting after loss as I'm finding out, is even harder some days
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Take teething, weaning and sleepless nights and add to that a whole heap of emotions and heartache that come with losing a baby
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Parenting after loss for me has come hand in hand with anxiety
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A very real anxiety that can feel claustrophobic at times, an anxiety that can plague my days. A fear that because one of my children died, this one might too....
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A need to prove myself worthy as a mother and worthy of the children I hold in my arms •
I share this because if you too feel this way, please know you're not alone
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I share this because I need to remind myself that in amongst this anxiety there are moments of pure happiness. Moments so full of love I could burst, moments like the one in this picture. Charlotte fast asleep in my arms, post feed. So calm, so peaceful
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I am her safe place and she is mine
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#happyplace #safeplace #parenting #parentingafterloss #daughter #babygirl #anxiety #littlesister #sleeping #teethingbaby #calm #youarenotalone #love #happiness #babylossawareness #AfterArthur #honestparenting #honestmotherhood #channelmum #thisismymotherhood #breastfeeding #breastfedbaby #iloveyou #mygirl #anxietyisabitch #bittersweetmoment #littlesnippetsofus #oureverydaymoments #magicalmoments #arthurslittlesister
18 MONTHS IN THE 'AFTER'
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Today is the 17th January 2019, it's just an ordinary day.
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Except, it isn't. For me it marks 18 months since the last day of my life in the 'before'.
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The 17th July 2017, began as any normal day, I woke up 36 weeks pregnant, carefree and happy, we'd watched you move and kick about like normal laying in bed the previous evening. There was no indication of the heartbreak that lay ahead.
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I had a midwives appointment at 11am, I heard your heartbeat, not knowing then it would be for the very last time.
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Just a normal day, except it wasn't. At some point that day, after that appointment, you stopped moving. At some point that day, you died and the world altered.
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Life as we knew it, forever changed.
Hearts permanently broken.
A before and an after were created.
A missing piece, never to be replaced.
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18 months without you.
18 months missing you.
18 months of living in the 'after'.
18 months wishing things were different.
18 months into a lifetime without you.
18 months of making memories for you.
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Just the start of an eternity of loving you.
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Just an ordinary day that started off so carefree and ended in such utter heartache.
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Arthur, Always loved and eternally missed.
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#lifeafterloss #stillbirth #saytheirnames #AfterArthur #lifeintheafter #parentingafterloss #babylossawareness #askmehisname #18monthswithoutyou #alwaysloved #forevermissed #wishyouwerehere #neverenough #brighteststar #babyboy #missingpiece
THE BEST MOMENT OF 2018....
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This....
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A million times, this
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Emmeline meeting her little sister, Charlotte for the very first time
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Whilst our family will never feel 'complete', I know how lucky I am to have both of these beautiful girls in my arms
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2018 has taught me an awful lot, it's taught me that time doesn't heal all wounds, that grief is most certainly not linear and it can still knock me off my feet when I least expect it and most importantly I have learned that we as humans have an enormous capacity for love
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I love all 3 of my children equally. Whilst I will never hold them all in my arms at the same time, I will always hold them in my heart, equally, for eternity
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I think it's important to say that whilst Charlotte being here is truly wonderful, it in no way minimises the loss or grief that is felt from Arthur's death but equally the loss of Arthur shouldn't make Charlotte any less magical
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I've spent a lot of this year feeling conflicted and trying to justify my love, often almost apologising that I was pregnant again or that Charlotte is here and I know now that was wrong
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I have often said that had Arthur lived, Charlotte wouldn't be here, an internal conflict that would destroy me, should I think about it for too long. I realise now that isn't my reality and I just can't play the 'what if' game any longer
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Charlotte is here in my arms with her big sister Emmeline and Arthur is always in my heart and thoughts alongside his 2 sisters. Whilst I wish more than anything to have 3 children here to kiss goodnight to tonight, I know that I am entering 2019 with a heart full of love for all my children
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#lifeafterloss #babyloss #wishyouwerehere #happynewyear #alwaysloved #sisters #siblings #missingpiece #2018moments #parentingafterloss #newborn #littlesister #afterarthur #magicalmoments #firstkiss #littlesister #love #myheartisfull #mumof3 #rainbowbaby #pregnancyafterloss
LOVE LIKE STARLIGHT, NEVER DIES
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It's often hard to find ways to include Arthur in the family pictures we have, with his presence being physically missing, I often look at pictures of us as a family together and just feel sadness
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Sadness for the smiling face that is missing
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Sadness for the little boy and all the what ifs and wonder I will always hold for him
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Sadness that my 2 girls will grow up without their brother to play with
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Sadness that my husband is missing a Son to kick a football with, teach about cars and watch grow up
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Sadness for all that is lost and all that will never be
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Aeroplanes and foxes are 2 things that I associate with Arthur, so this family picture is perfect. Thank you so much @littlelennyco for getting it so right, I love it
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My family may not be perfect, it may not be the way I ever wanted it to be. Buts it's mine and I love it with every fibre of my being, and as the quote so rightly says 'love like starlight never dies'
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This quote is the closing line from the wonderful 'No Matter What' by Debi Gliori, a beautiful book about Small and Large, 2 foxes with one trying to explain love to the other, it's a beautiful book that I'd thoroughly recommend
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#alwaysloved #neverforgotten #AfterArthur #AdventForArthur #adventtoremember #lifeafterloss #parentingafterloss #babyloss #stillbirth #stillloved #perfecttome #love #familypictures #missingyou #saytheirnames #alwaysandforever #nomatterwhat #wishyouwerehere #grief #babylossawareness #bereavedparents #rainbowbaby #siblings #family #customprint #alwaysafamily #foxes #foxprint #foxfamily
MY THREE BABIES
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Some days just feel harder than others....
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Some days I look back at the blur of the last almost year and a half and wonder what was actually real
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Some days I just need to remind myself that I have 3 beautiful babies
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And gosh, looking at this picture both warms my heart and breaks it simultaneously
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This is the closest they'll ever get, no matter how much I try, there will never be a picture of the 3 of them together
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My 3 beautiful babies, so so alike and so so loved, equally
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My 3 beautiful babies, two in my arms and one in my heart
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#mumofthree #mybabies #daughter #son #missingpiece #alwaysloved #afterarthur #wishyouwerehere #bigsister #littlesister #littlebrother #bigbrother #sibblings #newborn #stillbirth #stillborn #babylossawareness #parentingafterloss #lifeafterloss #bittersweetmotherhood #thisismymotherhood #togetherforchange #lovedequally #sosimilar #babyloss #saytheirnames #myfavouritewhatif #neverforgotten #stillloved #rainbowbaby
5 MONTHS OLD
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This little lady was 5 months old yesterday
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I have no idea how the time has flown by so quickly, all I do know for sure is that she has brought so much love and joy into all our lives and I feel incredibly blessed to have her
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The best little Sister to Emmeline and Arthur
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Charlotte Olive,
My heart knew it needed you 💗
•
•
✨NEW POST ON THE BLOG✨
I've just shared a letter I wrote to Charlotte during my pregnancy with her. This was originally written for and published on the wonderful @letterstoloved
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I hope that one day, when she is older, if she reads it, Charlotte will know just how much she was wanted and just how much she, along with Emme and Arthur are loved
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#5monthsold #babygirl #letterstoloved #rainbowbaby #hearthealer #newblogpost #mumblogger #lifeafterloss #babyloss #stillbirth #parentingafterloss #AfterArthur #honestparenting #motherhood #fivemonths #fivemonthsold #littlesister #daughter #timeflies #love #family #smiles #channelmumvillage #parenthood #lovedbeyondmeasure #allthelove #parenting #dreambiglittleone #chasinghappiness #makingmemories
SIBLINGS
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These girls truly melt my heart, they are my world, not my whole world, but 2/3's of it....
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Since losing Arthur, I try and find the joy in everyday moments with Emme & Charlotte. Some days, when faced with a headstrong 4 year old and her tantrums and an over tired teething baby that can be hard. On the days I find it hard, Mum guilt really creeps in...
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Then there are moments like this, trying to get the girls to smile, look at me and sit together at the same time proved tricky, but I'm thrilled with the matching hats I've knitted for them and Emme can't wait to go out matching her little sister 💗
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Yes, I wish there was one more face smiling at me, one more little person to try and get to look at me at the same time, a little boy sat proudly between his 2 sisters. But in a world where that's just not possible, I'll take the happiness this moment brought and all the love that's in this picture, knowing that both these girls will grow up with their brother in their hearts 💗💙💗
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Also, thank you to the lovely Amy @this_is_my_brave_face for the hat pattern and for inspiring me to get knitting again when I was pregnant with Charlotte ❤️
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#sisters #siblings #mygirls #parentingafterloss #lifeafterloss #AfterArthur #wishyouwerehere #missingpiece #stillborn #stillbirth #stillloved #stillbornstillloved #alwaysinmyheart #alwaysinourhearts #icarryyourheart #neverforgotten #winterready #matchinghats #handmade #madebyme #knittedhat #madewithlove #stitchandstory #honestparenting #mumsofinstagram #everydaymoments #motherhoodunplugged #happiness #bigsister #littlesister
FAMILY PHOTOGRAPHS
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Looking through my pictures today, it's evident that although I take hundreds of pictures of the girls and we go on lots of days out and make precious memories together, we don't actually take that many photographs of us all together
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Maybe the key word there is 'all'
We won't ever get 'all' the family in a photograph together and that stings, a lot.
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Somehow, having pictures of myself, Dan, Emmeline and Charlotte together, both fills my heart with so much love but also breaks it apart
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I guess that's the conflict of life after loss, they'll always be a missing face, a missing stocking over the fireplace and an empty chair at the table. But whilst those things exist, I also know that although Arthur is not with us physically, he is and always will be in our hearts
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This was an impromptu photograph taken by Dan at Lotherton Hall at the weekend and although I generally hate pictures of myself, I'm so pleased we have it
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It's taken me a very long time to realise that taking pictures of the 4 of us together, in no way means we are moving on and forgetting Arthur. It simply means we are moving forward, we are making memories together as a family of 5, with our 2 girls in our arms and Arthur in our hearts
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I do think it's important to acknowledge that's it's ok to be happy and to make these precious memories after loss. It's okay to smile and to laugh and it's ok to take these photographs
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I have a good life and I am very lucky in so many ways. Moving forward and moving on are NOT the same thing
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#movingforwardNOTmovingon #lifeafterloss #parentingafterloss #stillbirth #stillborn #stillloved #familyof5 #bigsister #littlesister #familyphotograph #wishyouwerehere #icarryyourheart #takethephoto #girls #mygirls #daddyanddaughter #thisismymotherhood #familyadventure #honestparenting #oureverydaymoments #motherhoodunplugged #letthembelittle #treasureeverymoment #preciousmoments #mumsofinstagram #missingyou #missingpiece #bittersweetmoments #AfterArthur #foreverinourhearts
WAVE OF LIGHT
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Candle burning brightly tonight in memory of our beautiful boy Arthur ✨
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Thinking of Arthur tonight along with.....
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Dexter Bear
Findlay
Robin
Elowen
Leo Pheonix
Orla
Faith
Henry
Jude
Lexi
Guy
Alice
Percy Theodore
Toby
Beau
Elodie
Ivy
Gabriel
Carter
Lily-Grace
Esme
Anahera
Squishy
Teddy
Ben
Mason
Oliver
Evelyn
Leo
Lucas
Florence
Otis
Harry
Finley
Wilber
Grace
Oscar
Bea
Holly
David
Phoebe
Asher
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And so so many more babies.....
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15 babies over 24 weeks die every day in the UK. 15 is 15 too many and that statistic doesn't include those babies lost before 24 weeks. The numbers are shocking, Arthur died on the 19th July 2017. Based on the above statistics alone, since Arthur's death there have been another 6,795 babies die. Put simply, that's 6,795 families hearts broken, their lives forever altered. 6,795 babies in less than 15 months
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Thinking of each and everyone one of those babies and their families
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Tonight and always ✨
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#waveoflight #waveoflight2018 #BLAW #blaw2018 #babylossawareness
#saytheirnames #breakthesilence #togetherforchange #stillbirth #miscarriage #stillbornstillloved #neonataldeath #babyloss #babylossawarenessweek #inmemoryof #15babiesaday #1in4
