5 MONTHS OLD
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This little lady was 5 months old yesterday
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I have no idea how the time has flown by so quickly, all I do know for sure is that she has brought so much love and joy into all our lives and I feel incredibly blessed to have her
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The best little Sister to Emmeline and Arthur
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Charlotte Olive,
My heart knew it needed you 💗
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✨NEW POST ON THE BLOG✨
I've just shared a letter I wrote to Charlotte during my pregnancy with her. This was originally written for and published on the wonderful @letterstoloved
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I hope that one day, when she is older, if she reads it, Charlotte will know just how much she was wanted and just how much she, along with Emme and Arthur are loved
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#5monthsold #babygirl #letterstoloved #rainbowbaby #hearthealer #newblogpost #mumblogger #lifeafterloss #babyloss #stillbirth #parentingafterloss #AfterArthur #honestparenting #motherhood #fivemonths #fivemonthsold #littlesister #daughter #timeflies #love #family #smiles #channelmumvillage #parenthood #lovedbeyondmeasure #allthelove #parenting #dreambiglittleone #chasinghappiness #makingmemories
SIBLINGS
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These girls truly melt my heart, they are my world, not my whole world, but 2/3's of it....
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Since losing Arthur, I try and find the joy in everyday moments with Emme & Charlotte. Some days, when faced with a headstrong 4 year old and her tantrums and an over tired teething baby that can be hard. On the days I find it hard, Mum guilt really creeps in...
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Then there are moments like this, trying to get the girls to smile, look at me and sit together at the same time proved tricky, but I'm thrilled with the matching hats I've knitted for them and Emme can't wait to go out matching her little sister 💗
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Yes, I wish there was one more face smiling at me, one more little person to try and get to look at me at the same time, a little boy sat proudly between his 2 sisters. But in a world where that's just not possible, I'll take the happiness this moment brought and all the love that's in this picture, knowing that both these girls will grow up with their brother in their hearts 💗💙💗
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Also, thank you to the lovely Amy @this_is_my_brave_face for the hat pattern and for inspiring me to get knitting again when I was pregnant with Charlotte ❤️
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#sisters #siblings #mygirls #parentingafterloss #lifeafterloss #AfterArthur #wishyouwerehere #missingpiece #stillborn #stillbirth #stillloved #stillbornstillloved #alwaysinmyheart #alwaysinourhearts #icarryyourheart #neverforgotten #winterready #matchinghats #handmade #madebyme #knittedhat #madewithlove #stitchandstory #honestparenting #mumsofinstagram #everydaymoments #motherhoodunplugged #happiness #bigsister #littlesister
FAMILY PHOTOGRAPHS
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Looking through my pictures today, it's evident that although I take hundreds of pictures of the girls and we go on lots of days out and make precious memories together, we don't actually take that many photographs of us all together
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Maybe the key word there is 'all'
We won't ever get 'all' the family in a photograph together and that stings, a lot.
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Somehow, having pictures of myself, Dan, Emmeline and Charlotte together, both fills my heart with so much love but also breaks it apart
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I guess that's the conflict of life after loss, they'll always be a missing face, a missing stocking over the fireplace and an empty chair at the table. But whilst those things exist, I also know that although Arthur is not with us physically, he is and always will be in our hearts
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This was an impromptu photograph taken by Dan at Lotherton Hall at the weekend and although I generally hate pictures of myself, I'm so pleased we have it
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It's taken me a very long time to realise that taking pictures of the 4 of us together, in no way means we are moving on and forgetting Arthur. It simply means we are moving forward, we are making memories together as a family of 5, with our 2 girls in our arms and Arthur in our hearts
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I do think it's important to acknowledge that's it's ok to be happy and to make these precious memories after loss. It's okay to smile and to laugh and it's ok to take these photographs
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I have a good life and I am very lucky in so many ways. Moving forward and moving on are NOT the same thing
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#movingforwardNOTmovingon #lifeafterloss #parentingafterloss #stillbirth #stillborn #stillloved #familyof5 #bigsister #littlesister #familyphotograph #wishyouwerehere #icarryyourheart #takethephoto #girls #mygirls #daddyanddaughter #thisismymotherhood #familyadventure #honestparenting #oureverydaymoments #motherhoodunplugged #letthembelittle #treasureeverymoment #preciousmoments #mumsofinstagram #missingyou #missingpiece #bittersweetmoments #AfterArthur #foreverinourhearts
WAVE OF LIGHT
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Candle burning brightly tonight in memory of our beautiful boy Arthur ✨
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Thinking of Arthur tonight along with.....
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Dexter Bear
Findlay
Robin
Elowen
Leo Pheonix
Orla
Faith
Henry
Jude
Lexi
Guy
Alice
Percy Theodore
Toby
Beau
Elodie
Ivy
Gabriel
Carter
Lily-Grace
Esme
Anahera
Squishy
Teddy
Ben
Mason
Oliver
Evelyn
Leo
Lucas
Florence
Otis
Harry
Finley
Wilber
Grace
Oscar
Bea
Holly
David
Phoebe
Asher
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And so so many more babies.....
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15 babies over 24 weeks die every day in the UK. 15 is 15 too many and that statistic doesn't include those babies lost before 24 weeks. The numbers are shocking, Arthur died on the 19th July 2017. Based on the above statistics alone, since Arthur's death there have been another 6,795 babies die. Put simply, that's 6,795 families hearts broken, their lives forever altered. 6,795 babies in less than 15 months
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Thinking of each and everyone one of those babies and their families
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Tonight and always ✨
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#waveoflight #waveoflight2018 #BLAW #blaw2018 #babylossawareness
#saytheirnames #breakthesilence #togetherforchange #stillbirth #miscarriage #stillbornstillloved #neonataldeath #babyloss #babylossawarenessweek #inmemoryof #15babiesaday #1in4
BABY LOSS AWARENESS WEEK 2018
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These tiny toes may have never touched the floor but they have made a huge impact
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Arthur taught me more about life and who I am in the short time I had with him then I have learnt in all the rest of my 36 years
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I am a different person because of Arthur, he has changed mine and my family's lives, but although changed, I am not defined by his loss
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His loss is part of me, part of all of us, for always
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My Son died, those three words change everything in my world
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They are the reason I feel anxious in certain social situations and fear being asked certain questions
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They are the reason I avoid the baby boys clothes whilst shopping and the reason my chest tightens when I see a brother and sister playing together
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But they are also the reason I hold Charlotte and Emmeline tighter, the reason I love more fiercely, the reason I value things differently
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Yes, my son died, he will always be missing and the chasm that appeared in my heart and life the day he died will never be filled, but for everything that was lost when Arthur died, his short life taught me and continues to give me so much more
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This #blaw2018 lets talk about the babies that we've lost but also what our beautiful babies have given us, what they've taught us and what we'll always be grateful for
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#BLAW #babylossawarenessweek #babylossawareness #saytheirnames #stillbirth #stillbirthawareness #stillborn #alwaysloved #babyloss #childloss #pregnancyloss #youhavetaughtmesomuch #tinytoes #missingpiece #wishyouwerehere #afterarthur #lifeafterloss #myson #parentingafterloss #BLAW18 #weneedtotalkaboutbabyloss #brokenbutstrong #breakthesilence #togetherforchange #bereavedmother #icarryyourheartinmyheart #thisismymotherhood #littlebrother #bigbrother
BROKEN & STRONG
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Inspired by the lovely Anna @mamas_scrapbook to share this picture.
This is me, shortly after Charlotte, my third child's birth in June this year
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What do you see when you look at this picture?
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A mum holding her less than 1 hour old newborn baby girl in her arms? Inhaling in every second of those first newborn baby cuddles?
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Or do you see a Mum that has just had her 3rd csection in less then 4 years, the last one being only 11 months prior?
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Do you see a Mum whose heart is so full of love for all 3 of her children but has turned her head away to hide the tears, not just tears of joy and utter relief at her newborn baby girls safe arrival but also tears of grief
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Tears for the little boy that had died only 11 months before, tears for the baby that never got to come home, tears for the Son that will always be missing, tears for Arthur and all the what ifs?
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Yes, I am broken from Arthur's death, but in being broken, I also learnt that I am strong
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I am strong as I live everyday with a missing piece, I live every day with one child carried in my heart rather than my arms
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I would never have described myself as strong before, but prior to Arthur's death I don't think I ever knew how badly a person could be broken. I know now that I am both broken and strong, and that's ok, these 2 things can coexist at the same time, especially when the driving force behind them both is love, nothing but love
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#brokenandstrong #mamasscrapbook #csection #pregnancyafterloss #lifeafterloss #babylossawareness #afterarthur #missingpiece #babygirl #littlesister #relief #wishyouwerehere #onehourold #newbornbaby #newborn #babygirl #healingmyheart #infantandpregnancylossawareness #babyloss #saytheirnames #mumofthree #thisismymotherhood #motherhoodunplugged #weneedtotalkaboutbabyloss
Once you are real, you can't become unreal again...
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It lasts for always
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Perfect words for my perfect boy
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As the seasons change and Autumn is upon us and my heart starts to feel heavier. I look for ways to include Arthur in all we do in the run up to Christmas. The bauble in the picture features a single white feather inside a glass heart, the ribbon simply reads 'feathers appear when angels are near'
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As October marks the start of Baby & Infant Loss Awareness month, this will be hanging in our home in Arthur's memory from now until it finds a home on our tree at the start of December
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Like with the round glass bauble featured last week, this was handmade by myself and after so much positive feedback these will be available to purchase, at a cost of £7.50 plus P&P. •
A £1 donation will be made to charity for each bauble sold.
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Multiple feathers can be included in these baubles if required. Please see stories & highlights for more Bauble pictures/info
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If you would like one of these making in memory of your loved one, please comment below or send me a DM and I'll be in touch
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#babylossawareness #babyloss #inmemory #memorialdecoration #christmasbauble #lostlovedones #loss #stillbirth #misscarriage #neonataldeath #saytheirnames #alwaysloved #stillloved #handmade #madewithlove #feathersappearwhenangelsarenear #glassdecoration #glassbaubles #wishyouwerehere #alwaysandforever #real #inmythoughts #inmyheart #afterarthur #parentingafterloss #lifeafterloss #pregnancyandinfantlossawareness #closetomyheart #glassheart #neverforgotten
So, how many children do you have?
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One simple question....
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A million, what if's?
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I love these girls with every fibre of my being, but this is a question I will always struggle with. It's such an innocent question and one I would have asked before loss. Now I fear being asked this and I fear what my answer may be just as much.
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That awful moment between being asked and my answer, i'm almost frozen in time... do I tell the truth and cause awkwardness and upset? Or do I lie and then I myself feel awful for days afterwards, annoyed and upset with myself and feeling guilty that I didn't include Arthur?
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How I answer this question, often depends on what kind of day I'm having and how brave I'm feeling but also the social setting and the person asking.
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I was asked this question at a baby massage class with Charlotte last week. I was asked this during a circle time introduction, I was the first in the circle. I froze. I couldn't answer the question, but I couldn't not answer it either, so instead I did my best to dodge it....
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My reply, "she has a sister at home with us" •
It's not the best answer, I realise but in that moment surrounded by 10 other Mum's and their newborns, it was the best reply I could manage 😔
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#lifeafterloss #mumguilt #howmanychildren #lovemygirls #missingpiece #stillbirth #stillloved #saytheirnames #askmehisname #afterarthur #alwaysloved #wishyouwerehere #frozenintime #bittersweet #mumof3 #only2youcansee #thisismymotherhood #mygirls #parentingafterloss #motherhood #daughters #stronggirlsclub #sisters #sisterlylove #sistercuddles #bigsister #littlesister #motherofthree
GLASS FEATHER BAUBLES
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With October just a week away, I've started thinking about Christmas. I imagine this Christmas will be a mixture of highs and lows for us as a family. This will be our first Christmas with Charlotte but also our second Christmas without Arthur
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Last year, we found ways to involve Arthur and say his name as much as possible over the extremely difficult festive period
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Christmas is a time of year that when you are missing someone, whether that be your baby, your parent, your friend or even a pet, the emotions are amplified
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Last year I made glass baubles both for my own home and for several other Mum's and Dad's I knew that were facing Christmas without their baby
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After so many positive comments, I have decided that this year, I will be making these again and they will be available to purchase
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They are an 8cm round glass bauble with a single white feather inside
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Each feather is hand stamped and can be personalised with a name or date
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They will be £7.50 plus P&P costs •
For each bauble sold I will be making a £1 donation to a baby related charity
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If you would like one of these made in memory of your loved one this Christmas please DM me or comment below and I'll get in touch
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I am currently in the process of setting up a separate etsy/Instagram account for all my craft items, this can be found at @emmelines_dream There's not a great deal on there currently but I will do my best to update that fully in the coming weeks!
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I will start making the baubles in October and they will be sent out as soon as possible to allow them to be hung throughout the festive period
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I am also just finalising the design for a second bauble, this will be a glass heart, with a feather inside and will feature the words 'feathers appear when angels are near' on a white hanging ribbon. I hope to be able to share pictures of this second bauble with you in the next week or so
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#babyloss #loss #stillbirth #neonataldeath #miscarriage #glassbaubles #handmade #personalisedchristmasgift #inmemory #rememberinglovedones #christmas #personalised #gift #madewithlove #emmelinesdream #afterarthur #neverforgotten #xmas
GRIEF COMES IN WAVES
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On the eve of my (ahem) 36th birthday, there's only 1 thing i'd want if I could have 1 wish.... just 1 more minute and 1 more chance to hold you again darling boy
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I've heard it said grief comes in waves, Tonight I'm feeling as if I'm waiting for one to hit. I'm not entirely sure what's triggered this new wave, it's more than likely a combination of factors
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My upcoming birthday, finally signing off the proof for Arthur's headstone, the little boy I bumped into in the supermarket earlier this week (also called Arthur),or the @boden_clothing catalogue that arrived earlier today and had me in tears, as whilst picking out all the things for Emmeline & Charlotte I turned over into the boys section and it was full of clothes that I would have bought had Arthur been here. A catalogue full of what's if's...
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The quote below perfectly sums up grief for me and I wanted to share it
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"As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life."
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#lifebetweenthewaves #alwaysthinkingofyou #wishyouwerehere #onemoreminute #lifeafterloss #AfterArthur #alwaysloved
