TINY TINKS BEDROOM
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This bedroom has been one of the hardest rooms to finish, so much so, that Charlotte will be 10 weeks old on Monday and it's still not quite done and her cot isn't even up yet!
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The room was originally Arthur's bedroom but an ongoing house renovation meant this room was still very much a 'work in progress' when he died last year
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The walls were painted and one was papered in a stunning Rob Ryan paper. Unfortunately, the wall paper was met with a fit of rage during the weeks immediately after his death but the other walls remain the same soft white and dove grey now that we had originally picked for him. Very little else was done in this room, something even a year later I still feel very guilty about
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Anyone that knows me knows I loved preparing Emme's nursery almost 4 years ago, turning it into a beautiful woodland theme for her. Arthur's room theme was intended to be clouds and hot air balloons (and let's be honest there would probably have been some foxes in there somewhere!)
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Charlotte's room has kept the cloud theme and the colours but we've added in some girly blush pink and flamingos, you can never have too many flamingos surely?!
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This is just one corner of her room and I'm happy with how it's coming together, I'm trying to include bits of Arthur throughout the room wherever we can, whilst keeping it special for Charlotte too
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Parenting after loss is such a tough mixture of emotions, even things such as decorating and preparing a nursery fill you with dread and the thought of completing anything in preparation felt too much like tempting fate to me. But, Charlotte is here, she is safe and well and she certainly deserves a room as special as she is 💗
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#nursery #interiors #cornerofmyhome #bunting #flamingo #flamingodecor #flamingolove #madebyme #handmade #madewithlove #anniesloan #parisgrey #chalkpaint #handmademobile #handmadebunting #pocketofmyhome #clouds #nurserydecor #nurserydesign #nurseryinspo #crafty #nurseryideas #AfterArthur #ArthurAndCharlotte #parentingafterloss #lifeafterloss #bittersweet #thisismymotherhood #teddyforteddy
BITTERSWEET DAYS
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Today is the 11th August, Charlotte is 2 months old today
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Today should be one of those wonderful milestone days and instead for me it is bittersweet, tinged with sadness
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You see, the 11th August 2017 was the date last year Arthur was due to arrive via planned csection. Had he not died 3 weeks prior to that date we would have been celebrating his first birthday today
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Instead he is not here, he is missing, he will always be missing. 'Would have, should have, could have'; these are all things that if I think about them for too long my head and heart start to hurt too deeply
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It creates such a bittersweet conflicting set of emotions within me. The juxtaposed feelings are both confusing and overwhelming, it is hard knowing that should we be celebrating Arthur's 1st birthday today the chances that Charlotte would be with us and turning 2 months old today are slim to non existent
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I would never wish for her to not be here, I love her with every fibre of my being but my heart also aches for her big brother
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This is parenting after loss
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This is life after loss
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I live in 2 places now
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My heart is in 2 places now
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Here, with my 2 beautiful girls and there, somewhere just out of view, the place where all my should have, would have and could have's can be found. The place where I feel so much love and so much heartache in equal measures. I don't know where this place is but I do know part of me will always exist there, and Arthur will always have my heart
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Picture by the amazingly talented Anna @sketchymuma
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#lifeafterloss #parentingafterloss #duedate #oneyearago #newborn #babygirl #2monthsold #babyboy #loss #love #alwaysloved #bittersweetmotherhood #bittersweet #thisisreallife #stillbirth #stillborn #babyloss #saytheirnames #wishyouwerehere #missingpiece #AfterArthur
FINE
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A small word, with a huge meaning
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An innocent well meant comment yesterday from my GP during Charlotte's 8 week review has been whirling around in my head for the last 24 hours
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We were chatting about Arthur and how I was feeling having Charlotte here just 11 months after he died, We were chatting about my mental health and how I was after the whirlwind that has been the last year.
We were talking about baby loss and how more needs to be done to raise awareness. During the conversation my GP turned to me and said "you seem fine and happy sitting here today"
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Fine? Am I fine? Or am I now just a well rehearsed actress in the story that is my life? Putting on the performance that people want and need to see?
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Yes my make up is on, Yes I'm smiling and laughing, Yes I'm enjoying time with both my daughters, to the outside world I most probably look fine BUT am I really fine? My Son is missing and he will always be missing so will I ever be totally 100% fine again? And do I really want to be?
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I've always said I'm totally fine (yes, that word again) with having an Arthur shaped hole in my heart, so maybe the 'fine' I project on the world, Is that forever altered version of myself? The smiling happy version of Laura that will from now on always be a little bit incomplete.....
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I guess what I'm saying is, we're all fighting battles, we're all struggling, we're all a little bit incomplete. None of us know what another person is truly going through. Most of us are bloody good actors, putting on a brave face and showing the version of ourselves we need or think the world wants to see
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Be kind, always be kind
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You never know what may be going on behind that smile
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#fine #behindasmile #bekind #alwaysbekind #mentalhealthawareness #babylossawareness #babyloss #lifeafterloss #thisismymotherhood #stillbirth #newmum #mumofthree #missingpiece #alwaysloved #supporteachother #strongertogether #AfterArthur #wishyouwerehere
SUPPORT
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Support, it's a funny old thing. I've started to realise it's only when things are truly at there worst that you find out who really loves you and cares for you. Who will support you and hold your hand through both the good and the bad times
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Thank you to everyone that has messaged me, sent flowers and cards and generally shown us and Arthur so much love this last week
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It's been a difficult week, the last of the first's and I can't believe a whole year has passed but I am so grateful for the support and love that has got me through, not just Arthur's first birthday but also this first year
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We went to the beach on Arthur's birthday, to think about him and let off some balloons. We also left stones with his and some of his friends in the sky's names on them
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There are 17 stones in this picture, Arthur and 16 other babies
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These names represent babies lost far too soon, babies so very loved and so so missed, these names are also the children of the mummies and daddies that have gotten me through the last year
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People I didn't even know existed 12 months ago, these babies Mums & Dads have given me the support I needed with both losing Arthur and also coping with pregnancy after loss, their stories have helped me survive this first year
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These babies are so very special and their parents are true warriors
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#warriors #firstyear #babyloss #babylossawareness #saytheirnames #support #love #togetherforchange #alwaysloved #neverforgotten #stillborn #stillbirth #miscarriage #neonataldeath #strongertogether #loss #wishyouwerehere #AfterArthur #loveontherocks #loveontherocksuk #sewerby
FIRST BIRTHDAY
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My Dearest Arthur
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Here we are, one whole year since we held you for the first time. One whole year since the day we said both hello and goodbye
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Time with you was all too short, I wish more than anything that we could have had more time, more moments and more memories made. I look back at the time we had and I constantly question if I could have done something differently, did I miss a chance to save you? Were there signs that went unnoticed? I'm so so sorry if that was the case, I will always feel as if I let you down
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Arthur, you are so so loved. You are loved as much today as the day we met you, if not more. I'm so grateful that I have been able to share you with others and it helps my heart heal knowing that in sharing you and our story, it is helping others
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You have given me so much and taught me so much about the person I am, you have made me a stronger, better person. I no longer waste time worrying about things that do not matter. I now only surround myself with those that do matter, those that love me and those that were there through both the good and the bad times
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In both having you and in losing you, I have met some wonderful strong people, people I am privileged to call my friends. That is all because of you, my precious son. You have opened my eyes and taught me so much about life, about love and everything in between
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I am so grateful I am yours and you are mine. Without you, there would most probably be no Charlotte. That is so very bittersweet, I love you both, along with Emmeline, equally
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Happy birthday my darling boy, I so wish things were different but I hope wherever you are, you know I love you and miss you, every second of every day
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You will always have my heart
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The loss is great but the love is greater 💙
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#firstbirthday #son #littlebrother #bigbrother #oneyearanniversary #missed #forevermissed #alwaysinmyheart #alwaysinourhearts #stillbirth #stillborn #babyloss #babylossawareness #togetherforchange #saytheirnames #AfterArthur #lifeafterloss #thisismymotherhood #foreveryoung #loss #love #missingyou #wishyouwerehere
17th July 2017 - A WHOLE YEAR AGO
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And just like that a whole year has passed since the day we found out you were gone. This day 365 days ago marks my last day as the old me, the last day of my life lived in the 'before'
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My life split that day, there will forever be a before and an after
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It was just a normal day and the last day I felt truly carefree and naively happy
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The day began with my 36 week midwife appointment, I breezed in, we did all the usual checks and listened to Arthur's heartbeat. Little knowing then, that was the last time I'd ever hear it. Everything was fine, I even joked about how easy the pregnancy seemed. I then ran some errands and was due to have a friend coming round that afternoon
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It was a perfectly normal day, there was no signs of the heartbreak that lay ahead that same evening
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It was a day that I remember so many details about, what I was wearing (clothing never worn again), what I ate (a red onion tart with salad, never eaten again), the small talk I made with lady in the post office and the reason my friend cancelled her visit that afternoon (her cat had to go to the vets, an old friend, one of my oldest, a friend never seen again)
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Life changed that evening, I remember so many details, but what I don't remember is the exact point during that normal day that I last felt Arthur move. Something no matter how much time passes, I'll never forgive myself for
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Looking back on that day, if I'd have known that morning that it was to be the last time i'd hear his heartbeat, I'd have stayed longer, listened longer, recorded it, taken it all in. Soaked up the last moments of pure happiness. Life is unexpected, I never expected to loose Arthur just a few hours later
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There are so many things I'd change about that last day, 365 days ago, but I'll forever be grateful I had the pure joy of being pregnant with Arthur, The naive bliss that my pregnancy held. My pregnancy with Arthur was wonderful and that carefree nature was something shared only with him
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Regardless of all the heartache of the last year, I wouldn't change a single moment of the time I had with Arthur
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The loss is great, but the love is greater
#TOGETHERFORCHANGE
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Yesterday @tommys_thebabycharity launched an amazing new campaign. Aimed at breaking the silence around baby loss by opening up the conversation so that parents that have lost a baby feel less alone
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Next week, on the 19th July it will be 1 year since Arthur was born. As this date fast approaches, I found myself recently wondering if I should continue to share Arthur's story and our life after Arthur.
With Arthur's little sister, Charlotte's arrival last month, I questioned where I fit in the baby loss community and if my thoughts and feelings were still valid. I have sadly felt recently that people outside of this community are wondering why, almost a year later, that I continue to talk of Arthur
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Then two things happened, a friend contacted me to say sadly, a work colleague of mine had just lost a baby at 32 weeks and Tommys launched the new campaign
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Both of these reminded me exactly why I started sharing Arthur and our story. Why when we talk, we are stronger together and why reading others stories makes you feel less alone during your darkest time and ultimately why, I will continue to share Arthur, his story and our life #AfterArthur
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So to introduce myself, I'm Laura and this is Arthur, he was stillborn at 36 weeks on the 19th July 2017, having died 2 days earlier due to a knot in his umbilical cord. He is mine and Dan's @tinker7905 Son, he is Emme's little brother and Charlotte's big brother. He is the reason I'm here on Instagram. He is our missing piece. Loved and missed eternally
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I know that for everyone sharing their stories, there's at least another reading them. I truly hope that by sharing Arthur and his story that it may help someone somewhere feel less alone and that some of my words provide comfort during the darkest of times. Let's talk, share and support each other
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Please head over to @tommys_thebabycharity to learn more about the #togetherforchange campaign
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#strongertogether #letstalk #weneedtotalkaboutbabyloss #tommys #stillbirth #babyloss #stillborn #miscarriage #latemiscarriage #neonataldeath #pregnancyloss #itsgoodtotalk #breakthesilence #saytheirnames #AfterArthur #lifeafterloss
TWO WEEKS OLD
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Dan has returned to work today, Emme is in nursery, so mine and Charlotte's day has mostly looked like this
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I normally hate photographs of me, my face still has the post pregnancy bloat and there's more bags under my eyes than I care to imagine, but when I look at this picture all I see is love. That and a big smile from my littlest love (but let's be honest, it's probably wind!)
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Before Charlotte was born, I was so afraid I might struggle to bond with her, I was so worried that when I held her, all I would want was Arthur or worse still, that people would view her as a replacement
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I feared being judged for these feelings or seen as ungrateful and as a result I only shared these fears with a couple of my closest friends. One of my oldest most dear friends, Julia summed it up perfectly, her words "you'll love this baby as your third child, no replacement, just one more child to love like Emme & Arthur" 💗💙💗
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And she was right, So very right. The perfect words said at the perfect time
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Charlotte being here doesn't take away anything from Arthur's absence but she has without any doubt brought so much love and joy into our lives and as Jules correctly predicted my heart has grown even bigger to make room for loving all 3 of my babies in equal measure
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#parentingafterloss #lifeafterloss #stillborn #stillbirthawareness #stillbirth #2weeksoldtoday #littlestlove #allthefeels #bittersweetmotherhood #thisismymotherhood #weareallmums #littlesister #meltingmyheart #AfterArthur #wishyouwerehere #missingpiece #alwaysloved #charlotteolive #babygirl
LITTLE SISTER
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Welcome to the world 💗🌈💗
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Charlotte Olive Tinker born 11/06/2018 a beautiful little sister for both Emmeline and Arthur
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I just wanted to say a massive thank you to everyone that had messaged me to ask how things were in the run up to Charlotte's birth or sent their love and best wishes in the last week or so. Please know, I have read all the messages and will try and reply as soon as possible
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Apologies for the radio silence over here, After a great initial couple of days, by day 4 Charlotte had lost far too much body weight (14%) developed jaundice and began struggling to feed. Apparently these are all very common but as Charlotte was born at 36 weeks and was smaller anyway, this led to a very stressful and upsetting readmission into hospital which featured far too many flashbacks to last July and losing Arthur
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We are back home now and Charlotte is slowly but surely starting to regain weight. She's also fitted in perfectly and is very much adored by her big sister Emme, my only wish would be that Arthur could be here with us too
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#parentingafterloss #rainbowbaby #pregnancyafterloss #PAL #newborn #newarrival #birthannouncement #littlesister #welcometotheworld #csection #36weekspregnant #36weeks #missingpiece #afterarthur #wishyouwerehere #borninjune #CharlotteOlive #beautifulbabygirl #daretodream #dreamscancometrue #familyof5 #thisismymotherhood #lifeafterloss
STEROIDS, MONITORING & PERFECTLY TIMED GIFTS
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So Monday turned out to be just another Monday. Wednesday was just another Wednesday but I could feel my worry increasing as the week progressed. By Thursday, things truly hit me and I think I metaphorically fell off a very dark cliff into a deep dark pool of anxiety
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Whatever, happens from here on out this little girl will now always be older than her big brother. A strange notion which is hard to process
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Yesterday & today I've been at York Hospital for our steroid injections pre our csection next week. They've been long days that have been both physically and emotionally draining, I'll always find being in the same place as Arthur died hard. There's no way around that, it will always be triggering and will always bring back both bad and good memories
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We also had a lovely chat with the midwife Judith, that delivered Arthur today. I'll never be able to thank her enough for all she did for us and seeing her today was such a welcome feeling. It's that old adage isn't it, we remember those people that are good and those that are bad. I can safely say we will always remember Judith for her care and compassion at the worse time in our lives
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I returned home yesterday to this beautiful gift from the Lily Mae Foundation @lilymae070210 Arthur's handprint on a beautiful silver charm. This was gifted to me and it's absolutely beautiful. It could not have arrived at a better time. This will be coming with me to hospital next week, a piece of Arthur that I can take with me and hopefully share with his little sister
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I had not heard of the Lily Mae foundation until a few months ago when the lovely Sarah, a trustee for the charity and bereavement midwife contacted me. I have since looked on their site and they offer some amazing resources and memory making items, I would urge you to look at their website if you have some spare time as they are a wonderful charity offering invaluable support to parents after stillbirth or neonatal death
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Although this item was gifted to me, I will be making a donation to the Lily Mae foundation as a way of 'paying it forward' and hopefully providing comfort to another family
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JUST ANOTHER MONDAY
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Waking up this morning, I knew today (and probably all of this week) would be a struggle. Not just in the usual Monday blues type of way, today this bump is the exact same gestation as the point in my pregnancy when Arthur died (also a Monday)
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I'm struggling today with the simple fact that after today, this baby will technically be older than her big brother will ever be and after Wednesday (the gestation Arthur was born) I will have carried her for longer
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It almost doesn't seem real that at this point in time, just over 10 months ago, I had no idea what lay ahead. I had no idea that evening that we would receive such heartbreaking and life altering news, I was so naive. I had never experienced real heartache or loss. I was clueless to how cruel life can actually be sometimes.
Arthur has changed me, his absence has shaped my life in a way I never thought possible and being pregnant again, so soon has changed me
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Whilst I have hope we will bring this baby home, every thing I prepare for her arrival is tinged with some sadness and an essence of 'what if?'
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What if she doesn't come home?
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What if I have to pack all of these things away again too?
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What happens when 10pm comes around tonight, will history repeat itself?
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So many questions and with not much of this pregnancy actually left, the end point is almost within reach, yet at the same time it feels so far away. I'm feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility to continue to keep this baby safe. Monitoring her movements constantly, I can feel the anxiety increasing
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I hope this little lady will be joining our family safely very soon. I hope that today will be 'just another Monday' and tomorrow will feel lighter and I hope more than anything that she, Arthur and Emme know how much they are always loved
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#pregnancy #PAL #pregnancyafterloss #babybump #thirdtrimester #notlongnow #babygirl #wishyouwerehere #missingyou #missingpiece #whatif #justanotherday #monday #growingahuman #alwaysloved #neverforgotten #AfterArthur #bittersweet #bittersweetmotherhood #thisismymotherhood #mymotherhood #familyof5 #bigbrother #littlesister #bigsister #daybyday #onedayatatime
HOPE
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For most people when they see this picture they'll simply see tiny baby clothes blowing dry in the late spring sunshine, for me these represent so much more than that
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For me, these represent hope
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With less than 3 weeks until this baby should be arriving (all being well), I finally today decided to wash some clothes for her. This is a major step forward for me, up until last week the thought of preparing anything for her arrival seemed too bigger task to even think about
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After lovingly washing all of Arthur's things just a week or so before he died and then having to box them all up, somehow the thought of washing clothes for this baby girl seemed just too much. Would it somehow tempt fate? Would I have to pack them all away too if something went wrong? What if this little girl doesn't get to come home too?
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Then today it hit me, I need to be hopeful that this little girl will be coming home with us. I need to prepare for her. I need to try my best to find joy in preparing for her. She deserves me to have the same love and excitement I felt when I washed and sorted both Emmeline's and Arthur's clothes
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Yes it's hard, so very hard. My naivety around pregnancy has gone. I know now that perfectly healthy full term babies don't always get to come home. I know things can go wrong and I know there are no guarantees
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But even knowing that, she still deserves me to have hope. I deserve to have hope
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Pregnancy after loss is tough, it's relentless, it's endless worry and anxiety. It's knowing the worse that can happen. Its having no point in the whole pregnancy where you are able to breath out. It's like walking on a cliff edge some days. But with so little of this pregnancy actually left, I'm determined to embrace the lighter days of PAL when they come along. To have hope and to try my very best to prepare as much as possible for this little lady
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Having hope and preparing for her, doesn't take anything away from the love I feel for Arthur. It doesn't minimise the grief I feel for his loss. I love all my children equally and I'm hopeful that we'll be meeting our newest family member in the next few weeks
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#pregnancy #pregnancyafterloss
So, after a stressful midwife appointment this morning, I shall be spending the afternoon here soaking up the sunshine
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I'm intending to do some updating of my blog and finally publish the new posts I've been writing but realistically it may just be an afternoon with a coffee, the latest @idealhomeuk magazine & a Danish pastry
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Since Arthur died, Dan and I have found different outlets for our grief and currently different ways of distracting ourselves with the worries and stresses of pregnancy after loss. One thing that has got us through the last 10 months is our house renovation. We bought our house 2 years ago and everything needed doing, Think late 80s/early 90s decor and you won't be far off what we were faced with!
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We've done virtually all the work together ourselves, By 'together' I mean, I come up with ideas and just expect Dan to make them happen, almost instantly! I also occasionally paint things 😉 Surely, this is how all the best partnerships work?!?
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This is our latest project, a covered decked area that was designed, created and built by my rather talented husband @tinker7905 and I couldn't be happier with it. I've just got to convince him the grass all needs re-turfing or better still Astro turfing and I'll be a very happy bunny
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I'm also wondering how much bunting is too much bunting and if he'll notice if I just sneak a bit more in.....
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#bunting #decking #garden #gardenproject #gardenideas #coveredarea #cuprinol #cuprinolshades #handmadebunting #madebyme #howmuchbuntingisTOOmuch #IdeasIdeasIdeas #enjoyingthesun #whatgetsyouthrough #grief #distractions #madebyDan #rennovation #talentedhusband #lifeafterloss #livethebestlife #livethelittlethings #projects #gardenmakeover #gardeninspiration #gardeninspo #gardeninstagram #instagarden #instagardenlovers #timetotakeiteasy
