Fear, my days are run mostly by fear. Fear with a complex mix of grief, guilt and anxiety running alongside of it.
Pregnancy after loss is a battle fuelled by anxiety, it is hard both emotionally and physically. It is a struggle each day where complex conflicting emotions coexist. In an ideal world raw early stage grief and growing a new baby shouldn’t be 2 entities that ever occur simultaneously.
Whilst we appreciate just how lucky we are to be pregnant and we are extremely happy to have this opportunity again, our raw grief and pain still continues. We have still only recently lost our very much wanted Son and most days I generally feel overwhelmed by the conflicting emotions. I feel conflicted on a daily basis, which is one of the main reasons we have chosen to keep this pregnancy quiet for so long. Hopeful feelings towards this new pregnancy on top of all the raw grief I feel for Arthur mean that anxiety and new fears have hit me especially hard. Continue reading “Fear & Anxiety: The complexities of pregnancy after loss”
I think it goes without saying that the answer to the above is obvious.
All I want for Christmas is Arthur, just one more moment with him, one more cuddle, one more kiss, to hold his tiny hands just once more or to touch his beautiful dark hair, all I want for Christmas is just one more moment of anything with him really.
It has been 5 months now since you died, how has time moved on so quickly? How can life have moved forwards but stood silently still at the same time? Continue reading “All I want for Christmas….”
My dearest (and some now not so dearest) friends.
Since losing Arthur some of you have avoided speaking his name, some have avoided me, some have tried to remove him from existence, as if because he died, he was in some way never real. Some of you have added to my heartbreak with your actions or more simply lack of them. Some of you have however, been truly amazing. Supporting me through unchartered waters, just sitting and listening and generally just showing your love and support on a regular basis. Recently several of you have contacted me, making excuses for why you haven’t been in touch, when actually its quite clear to me the reason, so please spare me the rather lame excuses, some of you have felt uncomfortable, not knowing what to say and thus have avoided me, avoided mentioning Arthur and avoiding offering any kind of support. Continue reading “An open letter to friends: Thing’s I want you to know about baby loss”
So here we find ourselves in November, that marks another whole month that has passed without you. I love Autumn, the leaves, the crisp nights and the warm coats. So many memories we should have been making this Autumn, your first Halloween, your first look at the bright fireworks, all the excitement in the run up to Christmas.
It’s every kind of wrong that you are not here to share them with us. Continue reading “Changing Seasons: I miss you most of all, when Autumn leaves start to fall”
Late last night during a restless night the current Child Bereavement UK campaign got me to the thinking. One more minute, what would you do if you had this?
Time….. Minutes, hours, days, even years. What do they really all add up to? Do they measure the importance of a life by its length of it? Is a life truly defined by how many seconds tick by on a clock? I don’t believe a life can be measured by its length, instead I believe life is defined by the impact that it has on the world and by the moments that matter, as humans we don’t remember time, we remember moments. Continue reading “One More Minute: 60 ticks of the clock”
Had Arthur been born on the day of my planned C-Section, he would have been 10 weeks old today. 10 whole weeks, I sit here and wonder what he may be doing now, how big he would be and how much he would now weight. I will never be able to answer any of those questions because instead I will only ever know him at 1 day old, the day he arrived and the day he was gone coincide. Continue reading “The loss is great but the love is greater”
In the 88 days since Arthur was born I have learnt many things, I have felt many things and I have experienced my heart break a million times over. I have changed beyond recognition in the last 12 and a bit weeks. I have seen lifelong friends vanish without a trace and had endless conversations with my just turned 3 year old daughter Emme about death. None of these things even factored on my radar at the start of this year, let alone 3 months ago Continue reading “It’s OK not to be OK”
Having a little girl, Emmeline who was not quite 3 when Arthur died has made finding ways to talk about and include Arthur in our lives essential. Emme will always grow up knowing she had a little brother, although she never met Arthur, Continue reading “Arthur’s Star”
I write this a few weeks after my 35th Birthday, through illness and a variety of other things, this has been written and re-written in my head several times over the last week or so.
14th September 2017 – My 35th birthday, my 35th spin round the sun…..
This year has been one that has broken me beyond words and taken me to the brink of what I feel any human should have to deal with. It has destroyed all my hope and excitement for the future and broken my heart beyond repair. Continue reading “My 35th Year: A not so Happy Birthday”
Arthur, My darling boy
Today marks 52 days without you. 52 long, heart breaking days since our world shattered into so many pieces, I cannot envisage a time when it will ever be rebuilt. There will always be a missing piece, an ache that will not heal, a loss too large to ever be fully translated into words. Continue reading “A letter to Arthur – Perfect in Every Way”