The letter below was written on the 24th February 2018, during my pregnancy with Charlotte. This was written and published on the beautiful Letters to Loved site.
I have never shared this on here before, but as Charlotte has just turned 5 months old, roughly the same amount of weeks in age as she was, in gestation when I wrote this, I feel now is the right time. I hope if she ever reads this one day, she’ll know just how much she is loved and wanted, along with both her siblings.
Pregnancy After Loss: A letter to my unborn little girl
My dearest baby girl
So here we are at 21 weeks pregnant, my bump is now showing and I’m starting to feel you move. I feel as if you are becoming more real. Not that you were not real before, but before you were visible to the outside world, whilst you were a secret kept only between myself and your daddy I was able to function almost in a different place, somehow shielding myself from the reality and thus potential heartbreak if I was to lose you to. It is not that I do not want to celebrate you or that we are not happy that you should hopefully be joining our family. It is fear. Real deep fear on top of raw side splitting grief. I feel as if I am now dreading all the questions that people will ask about you. All the questions that I do not have an answer for, people presumptions that we are now in some way cured and over our loss. We will never be over losing Arthur, he will always be our son, and your big brother. He will always be our missing piece, so loved and so wanted, just as you are and I hope more than anything that I can tell you all about him when you are older.
You are so very wanted by both mummy and daddy and your big sister, Emme. Whilst at the same time I am feeling so lost and conflicted I just don’t know what to do some days. I am grieving for your big brother, he has only been gone 31 weeks. I miss him so much and my heart is quite literally breaking each and every day from his absence. I want to believe he somehow sent you to me, knowing that you could help my broken heart. But I also feel as if I need to protect myself and I can’t allow myself to get too invested, we lost him 3 weeks before he was due. Therefore, we know in the cruellest of ways that even when things are ok, it does not mean that things will continue to be ok. The naivety around pregnancy is gone and with that my hope has been taken too. I want to be hopeful for you, for us, for our family. I want to believe that you will be joining out family in June, I want to picture a world where you play with your big sister or ride high upon your daddy’s shoulders. I want all of that, for you and for us.
I want to believe more than anything that we can make it through this journey and be together. Deep inside I am hopeful for us, I am so wanting of you. I am just also heartbroken and missing your big brother, every week I count forward with you, is a week longer I have been away from him. I know nothing will ever bring him back and if in some way he has sent you to me, to us, to Emme. Then I hope he is watching over us all. I want to believe we all have a guardian angel, that somehow, he will be able to guide us all through this.
If I seem sad and not able to talk of you or acknowledge you are there, it is not because of you, or because you are not loved or wanted, it is just because I am broken, so very very broken. My heart has and always will have an Arthur shaped hole in it. It doesn’t mean I don’t have space in my heart for you. I do. So much space and believe me, you are already occupying some of it, it’s just allowing you into my heart, opens up the possibility that I could get my already smashed heart, smashed that bit more. I don’t even know if it’s possible for it to be any more broken, but I’m scared of the possibility, scarred of allowing an inch of hope back in and that too being taken away.
So for now, let’s try and ride this journey together, hoping that somehow our guardian angel is steering the way. All I would want you to know is this, you are loved already, you are so very wanted and so so needed. You have an amazing big sister just waiting for a sibling to play with and you have the best guardian angel for a big brother, that I know will always be watching over you. There is room in our family and all of our hearts for you, I hope more than anything you can join us.
Please keep sending me flutters baby girl
I love you
24th February 2018