Loss · Mental Health & Wellbeing · Pregnancy After Loss

Please Keep Sending Me Flutters Baby Girl: A Letter To My Unborn Daughter

The letter below was written on the 24th February 2018, during my pregnancy with Charlotte. This was written and published on the beautiful Letters to Loved site.

I have never shared this on here before, but as Charlotte has just turned 5 months old, roughly the same amount of weeks in age as she was, in gestation when I wrote this, I feel now is the right time. I hope if she ever reads this one day, she’ll know just how much she is loved and wanted, along with both her siblings.

Pregnancy After Loss: A letter to my unborn little girl

My dearest baby girl

So here we are at 21 weeks pregnant, my bump is now showing and I’m starting to feel you move. I feel as if you are becoming more real. Not that you were not real before, but before you were visible to the outside world, whilst you were a secret kept only between myself and your daddy I was able to function almost in a different place, somehow shielding myself from the reality and thus potential heartbreak if I was to lose you to. It is not that I do not want to celebrate you or that we are not happy that you should hopefully be joining our family. It is fear. Real deep fear on top of raw side splitting grief.  I feel as if I am now dreading all the questions that people will ask about you. All the questions that I do not have an answer for, people presumptions that we are now in some way cured and over our loss. We will never be over losing Arthur, he will always be our son, and your big brother. He will always be our missing piece, so loved and so wanted, just as you are and I hope more than anything that I can tell you all about him when you are older.

You are so very wanted by both mummy and daddy and your big sister, Emme. Whilst at the same time I am feeling so lost and conflicted I just don’t know what to do some days. I am grieving for your big brother, he has only been gone 31 weeks. I miss him so much and my heart is quite literally breaking each and every day from his absence. I want to believe he somehow sent you to me, knowing that you could help my broken heart. But I also feel as if I need to protect myself and I can’t allow myself to get too invested, we lost him 3 weeks before he was due. Therefore, we know in the cruellest of ways that even when things are ok, it does not mean that things will continue to be ok. The naivety around pregnancy is gone and with that my hope has been taken too. I want to be hopeful for you, for us, for our family. I want to believe that you will be joining out family in June, I want to picture a world where you play with your big sister or ride high upon your daddy’s shoulders. I want all of that, for you and for us.

I want to believe more than anything that we can make it through this journey and be together. Deep inside I am hopeful for us, I am so wanting of you. I am just also heartbroken and missing your big brother, every week I count forward with you, is a week longer I have been away from him. I know nothing will ever bring him back and if in some way he has sent you to me, to us, to Emme. Then I hope he is watching over us all. I want to believe we all have a guardian angel, that somehow, he will be able to guide us all through this.

If I seem sad and not able to talk of you or acknowledge you are there, it is not because of you, or because you are not loved or wanted, it is just because I am broken, so very very broken. My heart has and always will have an Arthur shaped hole in it. It doesn’t mean I don’t have space in my heart for you. I do. So much space and believe me, you are already occupying some of it, it’s just allowing you into my heart, opens up the possibility that I could get my already smashed heart, smashed that bit more. I don’t even know if it’s possible for it to be any more broken, but I’m scared of the possibility, scarred of allowing an inch of hope back in and that too being taken away.

So for now, let’s try and ride this journey together, hoping that somehow our guardian angel is steering the way. All I would want you to know is this, you are loved already, you are so very wanted and so so needed. You have an amazing big sister just waiting for a sibling to play with and you have the best guardian angel for a big brother, that I know will always be watching over you. There is room in our family and all of our hearts for you, I hope more than anything you can join us.

Please keep sending me flutters baby girl

I love you

Mummy xx

24th February 2018

Pregnancy After Loss

Fear & Anxiety: The complexities of pregnancy after loss

Fear, my days are run mostly by fear. Fear with a complex mix of grief, guilt and anxiety running alongside of it.

Pregnancy after loss is a battle fuelled by anxiety, it is hard both emotionally and physically. It is a struggle each day where complex conflicting emotions coexist. In an ideal world raw early stage grief and growing a new baby shouldn’t be 2 entities that ever occur simultaneously.

Whilst we appreciate just how lucky we are to be pregnant and we are extremely happy to have this opportunity again, our raw grief and pain still continues. We have still only recently lost our very much wanted Son and most days I generally feel overwhelmed by the conflicting emotions. I feel conflicted on a daily basis, which is one of the main reasons we have chosen to keep this pregnancy quiet for so long. Hopeful feelings towards this new pregnancy on top of all the raw grief I feel for Arthur mean that anxiety and new fears have hit me especially hard. Continue reading “Fear & Anxiety: The complexities of pregnancy after loss”

Baby Loss · Stillbirth

All I want for Christmas….

I think it goes without saying that the answer to the above is obvious.

All I want for Christmas is Arthur, just one more moment with him, one more cuddle, one more kiss, to hold his tiny hands just once more or to touch his beautiful dark hair, all I want for Christmas is just one more moment of anything with him really.

It has been 5 months now since you died, how has time moved on so quickly? How can life have moved forwards but stood silently still at the same time? Continue reading “All I want for Christmas….”

Baby Loss · Mental Health & Wellbeing · Stillbirth

An open letter to friends: Thing’s I want you to know about baby loss

My dearest (and some now not so dearest) friends.

Since losing Arthur some of you have avoided speaking his name, some have avoided me, some have tried to remove him from existence, as if because he died, he was in some way never real. Some of you have added to my heartbreak with your actions or more simply lack of them. Some of you have however, been truly amazing. Supporting me through unchartered waters, just sitting and listening and generally just showing your love and support on a regular basis. Recently several of you have contacted me, making excuses for why you haven’t been in touch, when actually its quite clear to me the reason, so please spare me the rather lame excuses, some of you have felt uncomfortable, not knowing what to say and thus have avoided me, avoided mentioning Arthur and avoiding offering any kind of support. Continue reading “An open letter to friends: Thing’s I want you to know about baby loss”

Baby Loss · Stillbirth

Changing Seasons: I miss you most of all, when Autumn leaves start to fall

So here we find ourselves in November, that marks another whole month that has passed without you. I love Autumn, the leaves, the crisp nights and the warm coats. So many memories we should have been making this Autumn, your first Halloween, your first look at the bright fireworks, all the excitement in the run up to Christmas.

It’s every kind of wrong that you are not here to share them with us. Continue reading “Changing Seasons: I miss you most of all, when Autumn leaves start to fall”

Baby Loss

One More Minute: 60 ticks of the clock

Late last night during a restless night the current Child Bereavement UK campaign got me to the thinking. One more minute, what would you do if you had this?

Time….. Minutes, hours, days, even years. What do they really all add up to? Do they measure the importance of a life by its length of it? Is a life truly defined by how many seconds tick by on a clock? I don’t believe a life can be measured by its length, instead I believe life is defined by the impact that it has on the world and by the moments that matter, as humans we don’t remember time, we remember moments. Continue reading “One More Minute: 60 ticks of the clock”

Baby Loss · Loss · Stillbirth

The loss is great but the love is greater

Had Arthur been born on the day of my planned C-Section, he would have been 10 weeks old today. 10 whole weeks, I sit here and wonder what he may be doing now, how big he would be and how much he would now weight. I will never be able to answer any of those questions because instead I will only ever know him at 1 day old, the day he arrived and the day he was gone coincide. Continue reading “The loss is great but the love is greater”

Baby Loss · Mental Health & Wellbeing

It’s OK not to be OK

In the 88 days since Arthur was born I have learnt many things, I have felt many things and I have experienced my heart break a million times over. I have changed beyond recognition in the last 12 and a bit weeks. I have seen lifelong friends vanish without a trace and had endless conversations with my just turned 3 year old daughter Emme about death. None of these things even factored on my radar at the start of this year, let alone 3 months ago Continue reading “It’s OK not to be OK”

Baby Loss

Arthur’s Star

Having a little girl, Emmeline who was not quite 3 when Arthur died has made finding ways to talk about and include Arthur in our lives essential. Emme will always grow up knowing she had a little brother, although she never met Arthur, Continue reading “Arthur’s Star”

Baby Loss · Stillbirth

My 35th Year: A not so Happy Birthday

I write this a few weeks after my 35th Birthday, through illness and a variety of other things, this has been written and re-written in my head several times over the last week or so.

14th September 2017 – My 35th birthday, my 35th spin round the sun….. 

This year has been one that has broken me beyond words and taken me to the brink of what I feel any human should have to deal with. It has destroyed all my hope and excitement for the future and broken my heart beyond repair. Continue reading “My 35th Year: A not so Happy Birthday”