Baby Loss · Stillbirth

All I want for Christmas….

I think it goes without saying that the answer to the above is obvious.

All I want for Christmas is Arthur, just one more moment with him, one more cuddle, one more kiss, to hold his tiny hands just once more or to touch his beautiful dark hair, all I want for Christmas is just one more moment of anything with him really.

It has been 5 months now since you died, how has time moved on so quickly? How can life have moved forwards but stood silently still at the same time?

The world has continued to turn, the sun continued to rise and set, the seasons have changed and Christmas is fast approaching. This should have been such an exciting time of year for us, all the firsts we should have shared together, now instead it is a stark reminder of what is and what is not and also what will never be. There will always be a missing stocking over our fireplace, there will always be one empty seat at our Christmas lunch, there will always be missing presents under the tree. Arthurs name will sadly always be missed off the majority of cards that we receive. No matter how life and the world continues, those factors will never change.

Christmas is a time that I used to enjoy and look forward to, a time of magic, full of excitement and endless new memories just waiting to be made. This year will be none of those things, instead I will be putting on my fake happy smile whilst trying to remain positive for my very excited 3 year old daughter Emme, her world was also turned upside down in July and I think we owe it to her to give her the best Christmas we possibly can. However I know I will be secretly waiting until she goes to bed to no doubt recoil into a sobbing mess. Knowing that I will feel this way, makes me feel so deeply sad for the thousands of other families that will also be experiencing their first, or second, or any subsequent Christmas after losing their child. I do not expect these feelings to ever change and somehow knowing that Christmas will always be heavy on my heart, for every year for the rest of my years, somehow makes this year seem heavier.

I’m not going to lie, there is a large part of me that wants to fast forward these last remaining days of 2017 and put this whole year behind me, to lock it and all its heartache in a suitcase somewhere at the back of a cupboard but that is not right and that will never be right. 2017, although heartbreaking, was the year I met my son and for that regardless of the loss and the pain, I will always be eternally grateful. 2017 was the year I got to carry him safe inside my tummy, feel him kick, feel him move and finally got to hold him. I will never regret any single second I got to spend with Arthur, I only wish there could have been more. I wish more then anything he was here now, making Christmas memories with us.

Arthur, my beautiful boy, you may be missing in the physical sense but you will never ever be missing from my heart or my thoughts. On Christmas Day or any day of any year that follows, you are my driving force, my light, my joy and I will spend the rest of my days being thankful for all those moments we shared in 2017.

Forever in my heart, forever our missing piece.

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