Baby Loss · Stillbirth

Changing Seasons: I miss you most of all, when Autumn leaves start to fall

So here we find ourselves in November, that marks another whole month that has passed without you. I love Autumn, the leaves, the crisp nights and the warm coats. So many memories we should have been making this Autumn, your first Halloween, your first look at the bright fireworks, all the excitement in the run up to Christmas.

It’s every kind of wrong that you are not here to share them with us.

You’ve now being gone 15 weeks, those 15 weeks seem to have gone by so fast and yet I also feel as if time has stood still. My life and heart paused the moment yours stopped but yet the days continue on around me.

I feel like a forgotten once loved goldfish trapped inside a bowl. I’m frozen in time, watching life go on as normal outside the bowl. Every so often, someone remembers the goldfish they once cared for and will look into the bowl, just checking that they are in fact still there, this may be a passing glance or a few minutes of their time. They smile to themsleves safe in the knowledge the goldfish appears to be ok, it’s still there, still functioning, still swimming around the bowl, they then continue on with their life away from the bowl, forgetting the goldfish once more.
Some days I swim around the bowl hoping no one notices or remembers me, but some days I’m screaming, my face to the glass, desperate to know I’m not forgotten about.

I’m so scarred if some of the people that once were considered my best friends can seemingly forget me so easily, how will we ensure people remember our darling son?

This is a question that plays on repeat in my mind. How do I make more memories with you and for you Arthur?

We took you a mini pumpkin to your grave earlier this week for your first Halloween. I have bought Christmas decorations with your name on them, your name will be on our tree amongst the lights. But that in no way makes up for the fact you should be here, looking in awe at the baubles and lights. Your eyes full of excitement, love and life. Excited as we unwrap your presents and you play with the boxes and paper. Dressed up like a reindeer, in the same lovely outfit your big sister wore during her first Christmas 3 years ago. But no, there will be no presents to unwrap, no outfit to wear. That outfit along with all the lovely clothes you were bought is now firmly packed away into storage. I hate that you are not here, that you will not be here to share this Christmas with us and that for this year and every year that follows, there will always be a missing stocking on our fireplace.

Yes, I love Autumn and I used to love Christmas but I hate this new life. The new life that you are missing from. I miss you so much Arthur. Autumn seems to have brought on another wave of grief, maybe it’s the plans we made that will never happen, maybe it’s the clocks changing, maybe it’s the seasons changing or maybe it’s more simple then that. Maybe everyday, whatever the time or season, we just miss you.

We will always miss you.

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