Had Arthur been born on the day of my planned C-Section, he would have been 10 weeks old today. 10 whole weeks, I sit here and wonder what he may be doing now, how big he would be and how much he would now weight. I will never be able to answer any of those questions because instead I will only ever know him at 1 day old, the day he arrived and the day he was gone coincide.
We have now been without him for 13 weeks and 2 days. Ask any bereaved parent how long they have been without their child and they will know, not just in years, months or weeks, they will know down to the number of days.
But ask them exactly when certain things happened since the loss, when they first went out, when they smiled again (yes, people do actually smile again, but it’s a different kind of smile. One that belongs to someone who knows the greatest of loss and is surviving everyday day by day). Ask them about those days and they probably won’t know the exact day or even the month, each day after losing a child is a journey of survival. Every day on that journey is hard, but some days are less hard then others. You will see the sunset one day or look out across the ocean and realise there is true beauty in the world, but you will now see this beauty through different eyes. This isn’t a temporary shift, this is a long-term change. An after, that was created the moment your life divided into 2 parts. I am forever changed by losing Arthur, we are forever shaped by his absence from our lives, he has taught me so much about loss but also so very much about love.
Losing a child is something I know I will never get over. I will from now on, no matter how much time passes, always be a little bit broken, but as I was reminded earlier this week and in fact yesterday by another mummy to an angel, broken things can still sparkle. A phrase that I have been replaying in my head since first reading it a week or so ago. Yes, I will sparkle again, I have no idea how or when, but yes, I will. I will do this not because I have got through the loss, but I will do this because of the love for Arthur. I will try and pick up all of the pieces of my shattered heart and create something new and something beautiful with the pieces, something that will honour my little boy and create memories for and with him. There will always be a piece missing and as I have said before, I am ok with that. That is the missing Arthur shaped piece and nothing no-one or no amount of time will ever fill or erase that.
The loss is great but the love is greater.