In the 88 days since Arthur was born I have learnt many things, I have felt many things and I have experienced my heart break a million times over. I have changed beyond recognition in the last 12 and a bit weeks. I have seen lifelong friends vanish without a trace and had endless conversations with my just turned 3 year old daughter Emme about death. None of these things even factored on my radar at the start of this year, let alone 3 months ago
It’s amazing how, when times are hard you really find out who your true friends are and also the strength of your relationship with everyone close to you, your husband, your Mum, your in-laws and all your other family members. Some people have surprised me, others sadly have not. The main thing I keep hearing is that people are “worried about me” and that I need “help” if I am to “get through/over this”.
No, dearest family members and friends, I DO NOT need help. I do not actually want to get over this, the ‘this’ you talk of me getting over is my son and I will never ever be ok with the fact that he is not here living the happy life full of love that he should be. I’m sorry if it upsets you, but No, I will never get over this. Will I find a way to live with this? Yes. At the moment I’ve no idea how to do that, but yes, I will. I have no choice and I will continue for both Emme’s sake and Arthur’s memory but no, I won’t move on, forget, or any other ridiculous notions that you care to come up with. Sometimes, it’s ok not to be ok.
Yes, its ok that right now I am not ok, I am fine with that. I wouldn’t expect anything else and I’m grieving for the loss of my son, Emme’s little brother and also the future we all had planned. Right now, just about getting by, is enough for me. Please don’t expect any more from me. Expecting more makes me feel as if I should be feeling happier by now, there is no timescale on grieving. I will always wonder what Arthur would be doing right now. I will always miss him and there will always be a hole in my heart in the shape of him and I’m ok with that, loving him and missing him go hand in hand.
And for those who may be wondering, If somehow we had known how this would all end, if somehow we had been aware that we would lose Arthur so late on and that we would never be able to bring him home, would we still have done it? Well I can’t speak for Dan, But for me, Yes, whole heartedly Yes. I can’t change the outcome but I know beyond a doubt that all Arthur ever knew was love and I cherished every moment I was carrying him, every kick, every flutter, everything. I would always choose him, loosing Arthur is heartbreaking because the loss is so great and the loss is so great because of my scale of love for him.
I will always always love Arthur and I will never have any regrets. I am a different person now because of him, if I could turn the clock back and be the ‘old’ Laura again, would I do it? The me who didn’t know how deeply a heart could break, the me who never fully knew what loss felt like, No I couldn’t and wouldn’t do that, there isn’t anything in this world that would make me do that as turning back the clock would mean losing those months with my son, losing all those moments of love and complete joy that I shared with him, yes, my heart is broken but it also full of love.
The loss is great but the love is greater.
Sometimes, It’s OK not to be OK.