Loss · Stillbirth

A letter to Arthur – Perfect in Every Way

Arthur, My darling boy

Today marks 52 days without you. 52 long, heart breaking days since our world shattered into so many pieces, I cannot envisage a time when it will ever be rebuilt. There will always be a missing piece, an ache that will not heal, a loss too large to ever be fully translated into words.

It’s been 7 weeks and 2 days since the 19th July 2017 when you entered the world, silent. Silent but perfect in every way.

We knew 2 days prior to this you were gone, just writing those words, tears well in my eyes.

Today you should have been 4 weeks old, you had been due to enter our lives and complete our perfect family on Friday the 11th August. I had had a horrendous birth with your big sister, ending in an emergency C-section under a general anaesthetic. You my beautiful little man, were supposed to be my ‘easy’ birth. All planned, nothing in the world was supposed to go wrong and I certainly never considered we could ever loose you 3 weeks before you were due to arrive.

Arthur, my perfect little man, I hope you know how much we all love you, how wanted you were and still are, how much we miss you and how much Emmeline was looking forward to having you as a little brother. I think about you every single second of every single day. You are never far from my mind, I often close my eyes and imagine you and Emme playing together, holding hands and running along the beach in the sunshine. I will always love you and I will always wonder what kind of little boy you would have been and what kind of man you would have become. I hope you would have been kind, loving and strong. I imagine you would have had your daddy’s practical skills and more importantly his patience and tolerance. I hope you would have inherited my determination (some would say, stubbornness) and my need to explore and experience new things. The world is a big place and I’d like to think that you would have taken your time to explore it.

I imagine all the days and times we should have spent together, all the memories we should have been making and all the happiness we should have shared.

Oh Arthur, I just miss you. I miss you so very much. There is a huge gaping hole in my heart and I know nothing or no-one will ever fill it. It is an Arthur shaped hole, a place saved solely for you, a place where all the hopes and dreams I had for you live. I place filled with the ‘what if’s?’ and ‘why’s?’ and a place filled with so much love and so much heartbreak, I can’t ever begin to comprehend how the 2 can co-exist in such huge quantities inside one person.

My heart is broken but it also full of love for you, my darling perfect boy.

You are and always will remain perfect in every way,

I love you beyond the stars

Mummy xx

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